"Pair-bonding is a side effect." Jon mused aloud as he tried his best to follow what Edward was saying. "Social. Love. It's love. Love is -- the hormone. It's chemistry." Jon found it very amusing and let out a strange little laugh as he inhaled deeply, needed more air to keep going. He was panicking so much, he felt his throat close up so he had to keep pushing himself through.
"I'm in cognitive decline. Oxytocin is good." Jonathan found Edward in front of him, finally, focusing in on him with a small smile. More genuine than the crazy little grins from before. There was almost a relief there.
After all, Edward was special. In ways he hated to admit, he liked the arrogant bastard. "There you are. Oxytocin. Vasopressin. No maggots."
"I should hope not. That's not my style. Turns out that you like your men dapper, you raggedy man, who'd have thought?" Quite the departure for that smelly barn boy. Edward leaned forward to press his lips against Jonathan's neck. Something to be said for the smell and taste of fear after all, maybe he'd have to concede Jonathan's point there.
"Are you clinging to sanity by clinging to me?" That was funny, he had to admit. He laughed as he rested his chin on Jonathan's shoulder. Then he shifted suddenly, following a whim. A whim that had him straddle Jonathan, both arms around him now. Oxytocin. "How much do you want what only I can give you, Jonny? Come on. Tell me. Let me know."
"Mustn't talk." Jonathan wisely informed Edward as the other straddled him, hissing in fear that slowly turned into a low whine as he swore bats swarmed near his head. With Edward there, he shot forward and pressed his forehead against him. Oxytocin. It was good for fear, it reduced panic and anxiety. It was not weak, it was clever. He was clever. "About you. Never. Too many. I-I-I ... my bike broke. On the hill."
Jonathan distracted his mind, eyes struggling to focus on Edward. He was desperate to say anything and think anything about what he wanted from Edward. How much he wanted him and needed him. It seemed entirely unfair that he should talk about that and not whatever else he could kill time with. "It's dark, isn't it?"
"Not that dark in here, my Jonny. I turned on the light. I'm gifted that way." Quite the skilled move. He did have to override some protocol to actually get light in a cell past lights out, although it wasn't exactly a challenge. "Wow, the bike story? You're really proving that avoidant part of your personality disorder, aren't you? I've got nothing to do with your bike, Jonny. I'm here right now. You're in my arms. Why not talk about that?"
This was delicious. Already he was getting things out of Jonathan he never would normally. The raw emotion just from looking at him right now... He laughed again, then traced his face with a finger. "How scared are you to admit that you need me? Not just want. How terrifying. What a nightmare love is, eh? Do you wonder in your black little heart of hearts if you mean as much to me?"
"No wondering. Just knowing. Only the one who does not question is safe from making a mistake." To question was to take the tentative sandcastle and batter it with a tide. Too many emotions, too many feelings, too much panic. He hadn't felt anxiety like this in his adult like, it was practically choking him. He shuddered and trembled in ways he didn't want to and the only thing anchoring him to reality was Edward. "My bike broke on the hill. I really liked my bike."
He laughed nervously and inhaled the smell of Edward. Even in Arkham, he smelled like Edward - it was this scent that lay beneath the shower gel and aftershave. Salty, musky, human and fucking divine. "I'm terrified." Jon admitted as he forced his eyes to focus on Edward and look into his. "I really hate being lied to."
"Of course you do. It's a shame, because... You know, I'm afraid of being called a liar, but I rather enjoy getting away with a lie." Might as well be honest in that right now. He smiled and moved his hand to play with Jonathan's hair. He liked it the way it was right now. A bit more grown out than he'd usually let it. A mess too, naturally. It'd be better once he'd been forced to shower. But it looked good on him, just as his eyes were even more hypnotic like this. A beautiful mess, his Jonathan.
"Emotions aren't straight-forward. Especially not with me. You know that. You've diagnosed me." So here he was, eager for recognition, attention and affection. All those things that Jonathan teased him over. Yet here Jonathan was, knowing him and focusing on him to pull himself out of the whirlwind of his own psyche because of how much he cared for him. "Tell me how you feel, Jon." He leaned forward so he could speak by Jonathan's ear. "Tell me you love me and then I'll do and say all those things you need from me. Lie or not. What does it matter when I make it feel so real for you?"
"Cause it fucking matters to me." Jonathan admitted pathetically, knowing he was being a fool but he couldn't help himself. He usually had everything so tightly held in and under control but he couldn't keep focus today, he couldn't keep himself safe. All the emotions were out and open, lost in his own fear. He didn't miss that part about fear - it made one very vulnerable. "It matters to me if you fucking care or if it's all bullshit, son. If it's love or it ain't! I fucking care. I care! I don't know why, I just do. I want you!"
Jonathan froze for a moment and everything in his brain was desperately seeking a retreat because he knew, on a logical level, that he was embarrassing himself but he had no ability to turn it off and stop himself. He took a deep breath. "Handsome boy. Smart boy. Lives in my head. I can't escape it but he can? That ain't fair, it ain't fucking fair, son."
That was a lot. Edward was trying to not show his glee to openly. He had no way of knowing how much of this Jonathan would remember later. His own memory tended to be hazy after exposure to fear toxin, but certain details stuck and usually he remembered more eventually, as anxiety attacks hit as an aftereffect. Nasty stuff, fear toxin. Made it easy to remember that Jonathan deserved this. Also made it easy to remember that he didn't want to antagonise him too much.
It was so satisfying though, how could he not feel smug over exposing Jonathan like this? Dragging him out into the light and making him squirm. He kissed the side of his neck again, then left a trail of kissed along his jaw before he pulled back to look at him. "You're such a conundrum, you beautiful bastard. I can't help but adore you." He rather thought he loved him. Jon's own fault for diagnosing him in a way that meant he couldn't believe that love was true. Honestly seemed more an issue caused by Jonathan's insecurities than his own shortcomings.
"Let me love you." His hand moved quickly, between them and between the straps holding Jonathan's jacket down, so he could run his palm over his crotch. "Nice. Is that hardness for me or for fear? Or maybe that's all the same right now."
"Blood rush." Jonathan dismissed as the walls cracked around him and the floor started melting. It was like a gross puddle of grey and he could drown any moment. The more lucid part of him wanted to drown right there and then. This was humiliating, he had enough awareness to know he was making a fool of himself. "You're laughing at me."
Jonathan looked at Edward and there was pain there. Pain, lust, wanting. So many feelings. "Aren't you?" The uncertainty made his voice crack in a way he wouldn't under any other circumstances. He was never one to be weak around Edward - it seemed like a very dangerous thing to do. "Please don't."
"I'm not laughing." Not right this moment, anyway. Although it was also not so funny now, when looking into Jonathan's eyes and his own heart was hurting somehow. Emotions always got the better of him sooner or later, something that often greatly annoyed him about himself. It was better than indifference though, feeling too much. Better than feeling nothing.
"I can't feel sorry for hurting you. I love that I can. See? No lying." It was proof of how much he meant to someone so little else meant anything to. Of course he loved it. "And you do matter to me, Jon. I care." He shrugged. "Making use of feelings does not mean those feelings aren't real. You understand that. Oxytocin, my beloved. Are you enjoying it?"
Instead of saying anything else, he leaned forward and kissed him.
The kiss was nice and Jonathan let himself fall into it, chasing after the feeling with an adrenaline spike right through him. He pulled back and he could still tasted Edward on his lips. "Oxytocin. I have been deprived. Oxytocin. Vasopressin." His dick was hard, his heart was racing and Edward was the only safe thing. The feel of him, the scent, the warmth. His whole body shivered.
"You want to be worshiped. Narcissist. Egotist." He giggled and tilted his head back, grinning. "Lucky day. Lucky boy. Dream boy. I think I made you exist just for me." And wasn't that an amazing power. His teenage daydream was a person. A very annoying, too powerful person who he would definitely need to have revenge on.
Ah well. Later. For now, he kissed him again, chasing after that beautiful sensation.
Oh, he was storing a lot of that information away for later. What a marvellous stash of confirmations and new discoveries he had there. Edward made sure to commit it all to memory, to properly analyse it later, because right now was the time to feel more so than think. Not that he could ever entirely shut off his brain.
Even as he kissed back and kept kissing Jonathan, giving him the sensations he needed to counterbalance that toxic cocktail still coursing through him.
In the end he stayed longer than he probably should have, especially with Bolton as head of security, but it was difficult to tear himself away. He whispered words to Jonathan before leaving him, sweet nothings and promises that might be empty or might not be. Then he had to go, both their pants stickier than they ought to be, and Edward's heart beating up to his throat from the high of arousal and affirmation and the dim fear of retribution. It never got boring, being him.
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icebergloungers2024-05-01 08:46 pm
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"I'm in cognitive decline. Oxytocin is good." Jonathan found Edward in front of him, finally, focusing in on him with a small smile. More genuine than the crazy little grins from before. There was almost a relief there.
After all, Edward was special. In ways he hated to admit, he liked the arrogant bastard. "There you are. Oxytocin. Vasopressin. No maggots."
no subject
"Are you clinging to sanity by clinging to me?" That was funny, he had to admit. He laughed as he rested his chin on Jonathan's shoulder. Then he shifted suddenly, following a whim. A whim that had him straddle Jonathan, both arms around him now. Oxytocin. "How much do you want what only I can give you, Jonny? Come on. Tell me. Let me know."
no subject
Jonathan distracted his mind, eyes struggling to focus on Edward. He was desperate to say anything and think anything about what he wanted from Edward. How much he wanted him and needed him. It seemed entirely unfair that he should talk about that and not whatever else he could kill time with. "It's dark, isn't it?"
no subject
This was delicious. Already he was getting things out of Jonathan he never would normally. The raw emotion just from looking at him right now... He laughed again, then traced his face with a finger. "How scared are you to admit that you need me? Not just want. How terrifying. What a nightmare love is, eh? Do you wonder in your black little heart of hearts if you mean as much to me?"
no subject
He laughed nervously and inhaled the smell of Edward. Even in Arkham, he smelled like Edward - it was this scent that lay beneath the shower gel and aftershave. Salty, musky, human and fucking divine. "I'm terrified." Jon admitted as he forced his eyes to focus on Edward and look into his. "I really hate being lied to."
no subject
"Emotions aren't straight-forward. Especially not with me. You know that. You've diagnosed me." So here he was, eager for recognition, attention and affection. All those things that Jonathan teased him over. Yet here Jonathan was, knowing him and focusing on him to pull himself out of the whirlwind of his own psyche because of how much he cared for him. "Tell me how you feel, Jon." He leaned forward so he could speak by Jonathan's ear. "Tell me you love me and then I'll do and say all those things you need from me. Lie or not. What does it matter when I make it feel so real for you?"
no subject
Jonathan froze for a moment and everything in his brain was desperately seeking a retreat because he knew, on a logical level, that he was embarrassing himself but he had no ability to turn it off and stop himself. He took a deep breath. "Handsome boy. Smart boy. Lives in my head. I can't escape it but he can? That ain't fair, it ain't fucking fair, son."
no subject
It was so satisfying though, how could he not feel smug over exposing Jonathan like this? Dragging him out into the light and making him squirm. He kissed the side of his neck again, then left a trail of kissed along his jaw before he pulled back to look at him. "You're such a conundrum, you beautiful bastard. I can't help but adore you." He rather thought he loved him. Jon's own fault for diagnosing him in a way that meant he couldn't believe that love was true. Honestly seemed more an issue caused by Jonathan's insecurities than his own shortcomings.
"Let me love you." His hand moved quickly, between them and between the straps holding Jonathan's jacket down, so he could run his palm over his crotch. "Nice. Is that hardness for me or for fear? Or maybe that's all the same right now."
no subject
Jonathan looked at Edward and there was pain there. Pain, lust, wanting. So many feelings. "Aren't you?" The uncertainty made his voice crack in a way he wouldn't under any other circumstances. He was never one to be weak around Edward - it seemed like a very dangerous thing to do. "Please don't."
no subject
"I can't feel sorry for hurting you. I love that I can. See? No lying." It was proof of how much he meant to someone so little else meant anything to. Of course he loved it. "And you do matter to me, Jon. I care." He shrugged. "Making use of feelings does not mean those feelings aren't real. You understand that. Oxytocin, my beloved. Are you enjoying it?"
Instead of saying anything else, he leaned forward and kissed him.
no subject
"You want to be worshiped. Narcissist. Egotist." He giggled and tilted his head back, grinning. "Lucky day. Lucky boy. Dream boy. I think I made you exist just for me." And wasn't that an amazing power. His teenage daydream was a person. A very annoying, too powerful person who he would definitely need to have revenge on.
Ah well. Later. For now, he kissed him again, chasing after that beautiful sensation.
no subject
Even as he kissed back and kept kissing Jonathan, giving him the sensations he needed to counterbalance that toxic cocktail still coursing through him.
In the end he stayed longer than he probably should have, especially with Bolton as head of security, but it was difficult to tear himself away. He whispered words to Jonathan before leaving him, sweet nothings and promises that might be empty or might not be. Then he had to go, both their pants stickier than they ought to be, and Edward's heart beating up to his throat from the high of arousal and affirmation and the dim fear of retribution. It never got boring, being him.