won't you take me by the hand

[3rs]

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[jonboy]

"It's fine, just use me. Stay the fuck away from other kids, you'll draw attention. We'll have to move again. I don't want to keep moving, okay? You'll get caught." Jonathan wished he could get through to his father but he just didn't seem capable of listening any more, he was just too driven by this cure. And as fascinating as it was to him, once upon a time, this was no longer just about fear. It was about survival. He didn't think either of them would survive if he kept going like this.

"I can take more, maybe just up the dose. I need more exposure. It's at a constant low level, maybe that's why." He just wanted to keep himself the focus, as much as he hated it - what if he went into the Narrows? What if Edward got caught up in it? Not worth the risk.

[npcish]

"You are hiding something. Do you think I'm stupid, boy? As if your old man isn't sharp enough to notice how you change your tune so suddenly. It's your friend. That boy with the glasses." He growled, but tried to control himself, shaking his head. "See what I mean? That's weakness. You are attached to someone, aren't you? That's a symptom. If you weren't so afraid, you'd not need anyone. You'd be independent and you couldn't get hurt."

Not like he had. Fear was the root of all evil.

[jonboy]

"Then explain what happened in Georgia? I was alone then and I was plenty scared, more scared than I am now. You made me like that! And now you want to act like I've changed? You're the one who's changed." Jumping to his feet, he shoved his father back, knowing he didn't stand much of a chance in a physical fight these days but the anger inside of him wasn't going anywhere. He threatened Edward, he knew about him and it wasn't a nice feeling. "You've been messing with me all my life, you want to save me from what you made me."

Once he believed that his father wanted to help him, he had been naive then but the cause of every fear and phobia that riddled his childhood came from his dad. "Tell me how that makes sense to you?"

[npcish]

"Sit down, boy." Mr Crane didn't bother getting up yet, but his voice had gotten very serious. "You will not disrespect me in my own house, under my roof. Sit down now or you'll suffer the consequences. The Lord himself said: Honour thy father and thy mother. Do you know better than God now, Jonathan?"

He reached out with his hand, shaking his head. "Your emotions are your weakness. You have that from me, from your mother. The original sin. I'll rid you of it. All I expect is the respect I deserve, as your father. I don't demand gratitude."

[jonboy]

"Stay away from the kids in the city. You don't need to be the boogeyman again. I'll end up just like Georgia with those men out looking for you. Just cause mom isn't here to protect any more doesn't mean you should be reckless." He really wished his mother was here, she was never good at stopping his dad but she always knew how to distract him when he got like this, when he wanted to take his experiments out of the house. It was harder to turn a blind eye to people suffering who could trace it back.

Jonathan didn't stand, he balled his fists and tried to calm down. "I don't think the Lord would much appreciate experimenting on innocent kids."

[npcish]

"Innocent? These brats?" Mr Crane scoffed. "They hurt you, don't they? You think I don't notice? They steal. They take drugs, get drunk, they sell themselves. They lie and cheat. They aren't any better than the adults. They are all sinners, all driven by their fears."

He shook his head, sneering. "Is that what you think your friend is? Innocent? Right, son, right. Just another liar and cheat, probably taking advantage of you. Don't you see that I want to help you? You'll be free from all this. Better than that. That is worth all sacrifice."

[jonboy]

"If anyone isn't a liar, it's my friend. Trust me. He's a compulsive, impacts his ability to lie. See, some people's fears are an asset to me. Not all fear is just weakness, some is beautiful or fascinating. To live with no fear is to not be alive. It makes no sense." Jonathan had hated being scared as a child, many hours spent sobbing over all his phobias and fears but they made him who he was and he loved them. He loved the thrilled of being scared, he loved halloween and horror movies, he loved the look in people's eyes when they wanted to hurt him or they were going to get hurt. Maybe he was broken, maybe he was too weak but he loved it.

"Fear is part of life, dad." Reaching out, Jonathan grabbed the syringe of proto toxin and held it up to his juglar vein, his hand shaking a little as he met his father's eyes. "What would you do if I did it? If I embraced it? All that work would be gone."

[npcish]

"...out it down, Jonathan." Finally he rose to his feet, holding out a hand to him. "You don't know how you'd react to that. It could hurt you. Kill you. Don't do that, son."

He moved forward, intent to try and snatch it from him. "This isn't safe!"

[jonboy]

"It could ruin me. Oh dear, what would you do then? Do you think you could cure it?" Jonathan tried to step back but his father was getting closer and he wasn't sure why he was bluffing with this but the temptation was real. He wanted to do it, to burn it all to the ground and leave the project in pieces. Maybe if he had no one to save, he'd leave Edward alone.

Shoving his dad back, he managed to put the needle into his neck and tried to press it down as fast as possible. He didn't want to do this. He wanted to stop.

[npcish]

"JONATHAN!" He closed the distance between them, forcing the needle out of his son's neck and throwing the syringe to the ground when he realised he had already managed to inject some of the toxin. He immediately cradled the boy to his chest, watching his face. "Stay with me, Jonathan. I can flush it out, dilute it."

He was looking around, trying to think of something.

[jonboy]

The feeling was like nothing else, he felt almost suffocated in his own skin. The panic was so intense, he forgot to breathe and almost passed out from it, head spinning as the world melted and writhed around him. He screamed in horror as it finally came over him. He felt the scarecrow, the one he put his clothes on back in the summer, crawl up his leg and shred at him. He tried to get away but he couldn't move with his father holding him so he pushed away and fought free, hitting against the wall.

His eyes were so dilated, they looked black. "The s-scarecrow. It followed me!"

[npcish]

"Shh, Jonathan. It's all right. Fight it. You don't have to give in to fear." He spoke calmly, but then when he tackled Jonathan again, he used all his strength, not wanting to risk being fought off again. He had grabbed the solution that should manage to flush out his system a little and he stabbed the needle into his neck on the other side, injecting him quickly. "It's all right, son. I've got you. You are safe."

[jonboy]

"It's in my skin now. It's too late. I can't get it out." Jonathan stuttered over his words like he did as a boy, inflicted with too much fear that he couldn't control how he spoke. All that hard work seemed futile as he stared up at the ceiling, his eyes wet with tears as he felt his skin crawl and move, his heart racing faster than it ever had. And it felt good. It felt horrible and terrifying but so damn good. He smiled at nothing and started to laugh. "I'm alive."

[npcish]

"You do? That's good, son. Keep talking to me." His voice was soothing, at least he hoped as much, glad to see that Jonathan was at least not appearing to have any extreme averse reaction right now, no seizure or anything like that. Of course there were physical signs anyway, but his focus was his mental state. "How do you feel?"

[jonboy]

"Good. Better. I'm okay, dad. Promise." His heart was beating so fast and he couldn't see properly, everything in the room was distorted and his father was rotting. Like a corpse. He didn't know what else to do but smile and pretend it was okay. It would get better, eventually, whenever the flushing fully kicked in but right now, not so much.

He pulled away from his dad and sat on the floor, smiling at nothing in particular. "I feel less scared." A lie but a smart lie. "Even if my heart races."

[npcish]

"Good. Good. I will make it better for you son. I promise." He felt Jonathan's pulse, pressing his lips together. This was too close a call. He'd have to find a way to speed up his process. "Rest now."